What a week it has been. I think it’s the only week of my life that I’ve spent 5 days in a week at church having praise & worship.
But I failed God today.
Today was supposed to be a rest day after such a long week, and we planned for a dinner to celebrate Father’s Day early since next week is Feast Day and we will be in Portugal the following week.
This morning was stressful. I tried to find someone to cover for me at church today, but no one could: 1 was at a church event, 1 couldn’t, 1 was overseas and 1 didn’t reply yet. And so I forced to choose: church or family?
I prayed – God, please don’t make me choose between church or family. Please make a way for me. I also asked St Anthony for help.
But there wasn’t a reply from the last person who could cover for me so I went to church. I am now ashamed to say that I went rather reluctantly. I was grumpy while speaking to my mum and brothers as I told them they had to carry own without me.
Forgive me Lord.
I should have trusted in God to deliver me, to make a way for me. Because He did… Not 1 but 2 people offered to help and it turned out that the Father’s Day dinner has been postponed to another day.
I was remorseful while reflecting on this.
Why did I deny God 1 more day of service?
Is this what Matthew 10:37-39 is referring to?
“Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
Perhaps this is the reason why I haven’t received an answer about what my vocation is. Because I am not ready to serve 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. And I now know that God is building me up to that point by equipping me, stretching me, challenging me and teaching me. However, until I reach there – the big answer will not be revealed to me because I am not ready to receive it and attain it.
I am thankful to God that He doesn’t throw us into the deep end and let us figure things out ourselves. Truly, God’s love is patient and kind. Just look at the 28+ years of my life that He’s waited for me. What is one more day of service compared to that? Though…I can never repay God for His mercy.
Sometimes I wish that as a kid, I was told that our goal in life is to be with God the Father in heaven. And that my career goal should be to serve God, to love God and to know God. How different life would be? How is it that something so definite has been lost amidst what the world tells us: that our goal in life is to the best at something, the first in something, to have the nicest things, to afford going to nice places, to have everything you want…and that in school you had to study what would get you to your dream career or be stuck with whatever career you could get.
What are we working towards?